Intuition, it’s a wonderful thing, according to Albert Einstein, it’s a sacred gift. Intuition, in essence, is derived from past experiences and deliberate thought, it is not an instinct which is more innate and knee-jerk reactionary, rather it’s a feeling that leads to an intentional response. So, if it is our past experiences guiding our intuition should we not be more accepting and trusting of the feeling? Why is it that so many people will ignore their intuition and wait for instincts to kick in and react instead of deliberately acting? Are we afraid of our own intuition? Perhaps we are too scared to follow a hunch in case we are wrong. Or what’s more accurate in my case, are we afraid that we are opening Pandora’s box if we follow that gut feeling?

This past weekend, my intuitive warning bell was ringing louder than that of a white bellbirds call, something was eating away at my husband and I knew it was something I had done! I cannot tell you if it was the words he was saying, or how they were being said, it was like I was hearing words in the silence and they were taunting me to respond. Again, intuition, ‘I cannot pinpoint what it was but I could feel it’, and trust me, I felt it! I could have ignored my gut, it probably would have been easier, but I’m trying to listen to my body and my mind. Be proactive in finding my hummingbird so to speak, so with that came my decision to address that gut feeling and open Pandora’s box, a box that is not as simple to close as it is to open.

“What’s wrong?” I said as I was at the stove prepping dinner and he sat at the bar stool, “and dont say nothing because clearly something is up!” Admittedly, my tone held more hostility than I would have liked. The weekend had, up until this point, been nothing different than any other weekend. Groceries, housework, a few games with the kids, more than a few episodes of conflict resolution between two fighting siblings, and a nice afternoon movie with all four of us on the lounge. “Are you happy? Do you even want to be here?” he said and I knew straight away that my intuition was bang on…. what I didn’t know however, was just how blindsighted I would be by the words that came out of my very own mouth!

“Am I happy, somedays no. Do I want to be here, sometimes no, but does it mean that i’d rather be anywhere else in the world, no”. I could tell that even he was shocked by the words that came out of my mouth, it isn’t the first time we have had this discussion, the discussion most couples have once they become mother and father and forget who they were as husband and wife. In owning who I am, I know I can be very defensive, in the past these conversations have ended up heated with accusations and blame being thrown back and forth so quickly that an onlooker could get whiplash. There is the usual response of “of course I am happy, I am just tired because I am the only one who does anything around here” and the rebutal of “that is because everything I do doesn’t meet your standards”, inevitably what transpires is two people in foul moods holding grudges and regrets about what was said but moving on until the next time we get into the arena.

For the first time, I had actually admitted to my husband that I was not happy, an alarm bell that i’m sure his intuition had already rang. To him, happiness is an absolute, it is an all or nothing. To me, happiness can be fleeting, it can go just as quickly as it came and it can be mixed with a myriad of other emotions. To say that I am not happy isn’t true, nor is it true to say that I am, can I not be both? On paper, I “should” be happy, I have a husband, a home, 2 healthy kids, a stable job, all the boxes on his happiness checklist are ticked. Here within the silence, with the elephant entering the room, I could see my husband start to recoil, start to question and immediatly assume HE was the problem. I knew I had to keep talking, to try to explain my answer but the words I needed to speak could not be found and sure enough before I could articulate my thoughts, “Do you not love me anymore?” fell from his lips with such fear that I wish I could rewind and take it all back.

For the next hour or so we went and back forth, trying to understand each other’s perspectives. Why am I not “showing” him that I love him? Why doesn’t he understand that I show him my love in every other way but physically? Is it enough that we love each other, can we both live with the expectations we have of one another? Before our wedding we had to attend marriage classes, at the time we laughed and didn’t take it seriously, the naivety of a young couple who thought love was the answer to it all! I still remember many focal points from those classes, the love languages and loving your partner once you become a parent, all sounding so commonsense to us at the time yet now lessons we which had learnt.

By the end of the evening, both absolutely exhausted from trying to give the conversation our everything and still carry out the parenting responsibilities for the night, we agreed to revisit the discussion on our next child free night. Hopefully we will be able to talk about expectations of ourselves and of each other, our goals and common ground. Maybe this time the words I were looking for will be found, can I articulate my fears and anxieties to him? Will he understand that we are not responsible for each other’s happinesses and feelings?

Wish me luck… wish us luck…

Until next time, I’ll be out there….

Finding my hummingbird