My littlest is currently battling through another croup flare up, the nights are long, the sleep is scarce and the tensions are high!

Tonight I am writing this while lying in my sons bed, listening to the ins and outs of his breath, the pauses that are a bit too long and the inevitable coughing fit that follows. This is the second night in a row I’ve taken up post in his room, my husband thankfully, no longer questioning or arguing with me about it, but not exactly happy either.

Whenever my children are sick with croup or asthma, my anxiety gets the better of me. The black cloud hovers closer than usual and lightening bolts of fear course through me. A few years ago my eldest ended up in hospital after a very bad asthma attack that saw her unresponsive upon admission into ER, I now have the same panic and helplessness haunt me with every cough that my kids have.

My husband and I have had our fair share of arguments surrounding my need to sleep in the kids rooms when they are sick, his case always being that they’d sleep better if I wasn’t there, that I’d sleep better in my own bed, that I’m being paranoid. Last year my son was admitted into ER during a croup attack in the middle of the night, I heard the early signs in his breathing and was able to get him to hospital before his oxygen sat levels got too low. All arguments about me sleeping in their rooms were officially over, well, until now.

In the early hours of this morning my husband came into my sons room after one of his coughing fits woke him, he told me to go to our bed and that he’d take over for awhile. Despite longing for sleep I declined his offer, he insisted again that I get some sleep as apparently I didn’t look so crash hot (a zombie is actually what he called me). The cocktail of tiredness and anxiety kicked in and I firmly said, “NO, he needs me here”, my anxiety turning my need to be there into the assumption that it was best for him too. My husband unfortunately, well, he took this to mean… he needs ME and NOT him and spat out “sounds about right, I can’t do anything, you don’t even trust me with him” and skulked back off to bed!

Any chance of falling back to sleep was now officially obliterated, my anxiety over our son had now been joined with the turbulence in the gut knowing that I’ve just gone and royally pissed my hubby off too. I lied awake for hours replaying my words and moved through every emotion from indignation to regret, I always seem to choose the wrong words, to pick the wrong battles even when I didn’t plan to fight. Somewhere in amongst my chaotic thoughts I realised that my words could of course be hurtful when not given context, I realised that maybe deep down I didn’t trust my husband to lie with our son, not because he wouldn’t do it right but because it would threaten my identity as being the carer. In a moment where I had absolutely no control, the anxiety clouded my judgement and my presence became the one thing I could control!

And so, it’s not about how the socks are folded, it’s about gaining control in a chaotic world. When we feel threatened, trapped, out of control, we fight for what we value, we regain control of the variables that are ours to decide, we push back against anything that stands in our way, we choose words that have sharp edges and use them as our weapons.

My goal is to face my anxiety blob head on, to acknowledge its presence and not let my need for control hurt others. Firstly however, I will talk to my husband, let him in, let him know that it’s not about the socks or who lies with our son, it’s about my anxiety and how that shapes a big part of who I am.

Until then…

I’ll be out there….

Finding my hummingbird

I’m no stranger to losing one’s that I love, I have lost 2 Grandfathers’s, my father-in-law and a very dear friend. I have seen lives that have been lived with great adventure and passion, and lives that have been filled with inner torment and pain, all end before I was ready for them to go. Today, faced with loss again, I had to say goodbye, words that are never easy to say and will stay with you for your lifetime. Words that despite my best efforts I couldn’t plan, practice or rehearse.

My Nan turned 90 this year, she has lived through pain and hardship but she has also experienced the love of fairytales and had a companion by her side everyday for the past 77years!! My grandparents met when she was just 13, despite her not being allowed to date until she was 15 (his age at the time), my grandfather knew she was the one, he waited until she was 15 and upon her fathers permission asked her to a dance. At 20 years of age she married him and has lived her life by his side, if he was going fishing then so was she! They, like my other grandparents (I’m especially lucky to have 3 sets with my mother remarrying when I was still young), were the benchmarks for what I hoped for in a marriage. Now, sadly, my Nans health is failing her and we are forced to say yet another goodbye we were not ready to say.

Several years ago a very close friend died of suicide after a long battle with mental ill health, a battle that I wish I could have fought for him. When I was pregnant with my youngest, our joyous celebrations came with sadness as we lost my husband’s father to a long battle with illness. My father in law lived overseas and my husband could not get back in time to say his goodbyes. Not long before I was due, my Pop experienced an aneurysm that took him from us without notice.

With all of these passings, our goodbyes were taken away from us, there were no warnings, we had to say goodbye as we laid them to rest, we had to live with regret for not getting the opportunity to say one more I love you.

Three months after my son was born, we were faced with death again when my second grandfather lost his battle with dementia. Our goodbyes to him came long before his passing, they were said after each brief recollection of who we were, after visit we thought we would be our last. Despite having the warning and time to say goodbye, it did not make the words come any easier or take away the hurt.

Today as I sat there beside my grandmother, holding her hand for the last time, I was left with only the words that came into my heart. I told her how I was proud of her and how strong she has fought, I told her that I loved her and will always cherish the memories I have growing up beside her, I told her that I would take care of pop until he was ready to join her once again, I told her that it was okay for her to go.

Why do we leave our feelings unsaid, why do we wait until the last moment to speak our truth? We have hours upon hours in each and every day and yet we fill them with the hustle of work and waste them living through others highlight reels on social media. Today has taught me, and it’s something I should have learnt sooner, do not wait until that final goodbye! Treat every conversation like it might be your last, don’t leave word’s unspoken, hug a little longer, say I love you when you mean it!

Make memories while you can, love with your heart and soul, so that in the end, goodbye is not final, your love will keep them alive within you!

Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for love who love with their heart and soul, there is no separation.

Rumi

Today was hard…

Until next time…

I’ll be out there….

Finding my Hummingbird

The time finally came for our heart to heart, we managed to get a child free night with no work or social commitments… a night to commit only to each other’s questions and feelings.

Neither of us knew where to start so I went straight back to the question where it all began. “What wrong? Do you even want to be here?”, that was the question he had asked me and I had answered so quickly and without time to think through my my response that I never asked him what led him to even ask me that. We had up until that point had a seemingly good weekend. He told me that I was detached, that I was too often looking off into another world, I was watching Instagram videos rather than being present, and then he said the words that truly fed his question whether he even knew it or not.. My priorities didn’t make sense.

I tried not to react, again I’m quick to defender, fight or flight so to speak. I carefully processed his opinions and tried to tackle them one by one.

I’m detached and looking into another world– could it be that I’m actually too attached I’m burnt out and that is displayed as my detachment? I certainly don’t feel detached, I feel connected to every minute of every person inside this house, every “mummy” and “hey Hun”, I’m attached to the to do lists and emotional roller coasters of the kids, I’m attached the image of the mother and wife society expects. My only words to explain this to him was to say; “I’m sorry if I appear to be detached and staring off into another world, sometimes I am so engrossed in the mental checklists and my own thoughts that my physical being detaches from my mental state, like I can’t be both present and in my head all at once”.

Instagram versus being present – my husband hates social media so this one wasn’t a surprise and I know retrospectively I should have explained that I use social media to unwind, to escape the black clouds in my mind, to turn off the noises and voices reminding me of what I have and haven’t done. Instead, I said: “you can hardly talk, I flick through social media but you can’t seem to go a minute without checking if any new work emails have come through or texting one of the guys from work, I hardly think having my phone out is a problem but I’ll work on it if it’s that bothering to you”. I told you, my go to is defensive.

My priorities don’t make sense – now this point was the kicker for me! I knew it was where his “resentment and frustration” truly lied, I knew it was fuelled by the same focal point as most of our arguments… he was no longer my number 1 priority! My priority first and foremost is our kids well-being, that is reflected in my dropping everything if they are in need, it’s why I insist on structure in amongst the chaos, and why I strive for perfection. I asked him to explain how my priorities differed from his, how do they not make sense? He explained that I focus too much on the small stuff like housework and pandering to the kids, that instead of prioritising our relationship I’m too busy cleaning. I was reading between the lines at this point, I was not focusing on him and his needs! I was not showing him love in the ways he expected. For this I had no response, no defence just silence. He wasn’t wrong, but he wasn’t right either. My priorities were as he described but I think he forgets that I am a mum now not just his wife.

I tried hard to explain my standpoint, to address his concerns with respect and not dismissal, we went around in circles for awhile, voices went up and down and finally the tears came! I could see his love and exhaustion written all over the look of concern now taking over from the frustration, I could only hope he saw mine. “I’m tired”, were the only words I could manage, tired of it all, the fighting, the expectations, the juggle of motherhood, wife, employee and manager. I’m tired of trying to please, be better, do more, give more. I’m tired of waking up not knowing which clouds will enter my thoughts and cast shadows over my day.

I told him that sometimes the noise is just too much, sometimes there are clouds that smother me. I told him that sometimes I scream, cry or get angry because I’m in fight or flight. I told him that I love him but sometimes I don’t like him. I told him that sometimes I let the noise win, I turn off from the world around me and let the clouds envelop me.

Sometimes despite our best efforts words just cannot convey the desired meaning. My words will never be able to explain my thoughts, my fears, my anxieties… how can you explain something in which you can’t even understand yourself? How can you begin to describe all of this to someone who doesn’t understand… how do you move forward knowing that they’ll never truly understand you?

I don’t know the answers but I’ll be looking for them and until then we will continue to dance around this subject with trepidation.

Until then…

I’ll be out there….

Finding my hummingbird

It’s been just over a week since the “are you happy” conversation and the elephant is still following us around, in and out of every room, hiding in the silence between our words…out of sight but not out of mind. We have had fleeting moments and opportunities to discuss everything that was said but never enough time to truly unpack the emotions, feelings and fears that came out with them. Whilst I desperately want to clear the air and explain why my answer was no and why that’s ok, I have no idea where to even start! How do you explain to someone something that you don’t fully understand yourself? How do you tell someone who puts you at the centre of their universe that it’s not enough?