inspiration

Why so long?

by findingmyhummingbird

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything, and whilst many reasons spring to mind, one sits at the very forefront…. anxiety!

My anxiety isn’t always a bad thing, I’ve come to realise that many unique parts of me exist purely based upon it, but more often than not, this anxiety is what’s holding me back, causing me to recoil and react to figments of my own creation.

Writing is my cathartic response to life and all the ups and downs, my anxiety however, is the black cloud that sprawls through my thoughts gripping onto, twisting and rewriting every word that tries to make the page. I’m no stranger to overthinking things, I replay conversations critiquing what I said and didn’t say, the difference with writing is that the cursor blinks in front of me taunting me to think deeper, strive for better before committing to the page. Once spoken words leave your mouth they are no longer your private thoughts, they’re out there to be heard and interpreted. The written word on the other hand can be erased, rewritten and carefully constructed to cause the desired impact, the ink stains the page and can be reread, analysed and critiqued.

I’m striving for an honest, raw, and open blog, a blog that isn’t carefully curated like so many Insta feeds of perfect moments. In order to achieve that though, I must accept the imperfections of my writing and of my thoughts, I must let them reach the page without filter… can I be that vulnerable? Can I open myself up to the criticism that comes with that, not the criticism from others but rather the criticism that I’ll have of myself? Can I be open and honest with myself in order to accept the rawness of what I may discover? Is my anxiety over the perfect sentence actually concealing what I truly fear, owing my thoughts? To be truthful, I don’t know but I’m as sure about the sun rising tomorrow as I am that I will try.

That’s all we can ever do isn’t it? Try!

We shouldn’t be defined by our successes and failures but by the attempts we make in between.

So, in order to find my way forward I’m going to commit to vulnerable moments, uncertain feelings and delve without hesitation into my thoughts. I may not always like where my thoughts take me and I’m scared that beneath the surface there is a version of me I’ve kept hidden for too long, a version who avoids growing from the pain.

A hummingbird is said to focus on the beautiful things, in trying to find my hummingbird, I feel I must first accept the things which may not be so pretty to truly appreciate the beautiful moments that surround us!

And so, with that I’ll sign off, before my words get rewritten and the black clouds take over.

Until next time, I’ll be out there….

Finding my hummingbird

Welcome to my journey…

by findingmyhummingbird

Thank you for joining me on this journey to find my inner joy, my happiness within, my strength, my…Hummingbird!

Hummingbirds are incredible creatures, they persevere and endure through long flights to reach their destination, their wings beat up to 80 times per second and yet they remain still and composed in flight, they symbolise happiness and joy, they are a sign of resilience and teach us to appreciate the smaller things in life. To many cultures, these tiny birds represent a ‘lightness of being’ that bring good luck and lift us up from the negativity.

Life, especially now more than ever, is filled with moments that overwhelm us, scare us, force us to react or question who we are. As a mother of 2 small children, my life has recently undergone many of these moments, I have had more ups and downs in the last 5 years than in my 33 years of living. Many new mothers will relate to the emotional roller coaster that is parenthood and unfortunately for so many of us, it can be a time where the feeling of isolation is so overwhelming that we begin to internalise, shut down, and withdraw from everything that makes us who we are or who we were.

During a recent conversation with my psychologist (yes, I see a psychologist and I now have the ability to own this, it does not define me, but more on this another time) I had an Aha! moment where I was able to finally accept that my ‘self‘ is not predestined, it is not a fixed state of existence, I can choose how I react, how I perceive and what I want and if I change my mind that it is okay. The choices and events of my past may have influenced who I am today but they do not need to define me. Stevie Wonder said, “You can’t base your life on other people’s expectations”, without ever really knowing it, this was the sum of my existence, but today I understand that the only expectations I can truly live by are the expectations I have for myself.

I have the ability to shift my mindset, to learn from my mistakes and make the choices that align with who I am now and what I need in that moment. Our future can be influenced by our present but we cannot control it, we must therefore live in the present, we must learn to identify our expectations and separate them from our perceived expectations of others.

This blog is about the lessons I have learnt, the lessons I am learning, the mistakes I am making and sharing with the world the ‘rawness’ of living. I cannot promise to post every day, or detail every moment, but I do promise to be real, to share the Aha! moments and the moments that set me back. I hope somewhere along the way I can help someone, whether they simply identify with a post and recognise that they are not alone or they are inspired to adopt some of my learning into their life, if one person reads this post and makes one positive change for themselves than I will consider this a success.

Until next time, I’ll be out there…

Finding My Hummingbird