It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything, and whilst many reasons spring to mind, one sits at the very forefront…. anxiety!

My anxiety isn’t always a bad thing, I’ve come to realise that many unique parts of me exist purely based upon it, but more often than not, this anxiety is what’s holding me back, causing me to recoil and react to figments of my own creation.

Writing is my cathartic response to life and all the ups and downs, my anxiety however, is the black cloud that sprawls through my thoughts gripping onto, twisting and rewriting every word that tries to make the page. I’m no stranger to overthinking things, I replay conversations critiquing what I said and didn’t say, the difference with writing is that the cursor blinks in front of me taunting me to think deeper, strive for better before committing to the page. Once spoken words leave your mouth they are no longer your private thoughts, they’re out there to be heard and interpreted. The written word on the other hand can be erased, rewritten and carefully constructed to cause the desired impact, the ink stains the page and can be reread, analysed and critiqued.

I’m striving for an honest, raw, and open blog, a blog that isn’t carefully curated like so many Insta feeds of perfect moments. In order to achieve that though, I must accept the imperfections of my writing and of my thoughts, I must let them reach the page without filter… can I be that vulnerable? Can I open myself up to the criticism that comes with that, not the criticism from others but rather the criticism that I’ll have of myself? Can I be open and honest with myself in order to accept the rawness of what I may discover? Is my anxiety over the perfect sentence actually concealing what I truly fear, owing my thoughts? To be truthful, I don’t know but I’m as sure about the sun rising tomorrow as I am that I will try.

That’s all we can ever do isn’t it? Try!

We shouldn’t be defined by our successes and failures but by the attempts we make in between.

So, in order to find my way forward I’m going to commit to vulnerable moments, uncertain feelings and delve without hesitation into my thoughts. I may not always like where my thoughts take me and I’m scared that beneath the surface there is a version of me I’ve kept hidden for too long, a version who avoids growing from the pain.

A hummingbird is said to focus on the beautiful things, in trying to find my hummingbird, I feel I must first accept the things which may not be so pretty to truly appreciate the beautiful moments that surround us!

And so, with that I’ll sign off, before my words get rewritten and the black clouds take over.

Until next time, I’ll be out there….

Finding my hummingbird