I’m no stranger to losing one’s that I love, I have lost 2 Grandfathers’s, my father-in-law and a very dear friend. I have seen lives that have been lived with great adventure and passion, and lives that have been filled with inner torment and pain, all end before I was ready for them to go. Today, faced with loss again, I had to say goodbye, words that are never easy to say and will stay with you for your lifetime. Words that despite my best efforts I couldn’t plan, practice or rehearse.

My Nan turned 90 this year, she has lived through pain and hardship but she has also experienced the love of fairytales and had a companion by her side everyday for the past 77years!! My grandparents met when she was just 13, despite her not being allowed to date until she was 15 (his age at the time), my grandfather knew she was the one, he waited until she was 15 and upon her fathers permission asked her to a dance. At 20 years of age she married him and has lived her life by his side, if he was going fishing then so was she! They, like my other grandparents (I’m especially lucky to have 3 sets with my mother remarrying when I was still young), were the benchmarks for what I hoped for in a marriage. Now, sadly, my Nans health is failing her and we are forced to say yet another goodbye we were not ready to say.

Several years ago a very close friend died of suicide after a long battle with mental ill health, a battle that I wish I could have fought for him. When I was pregnant with my youngest, our joyous celebrations came with sadness as we lost my husband’s father to a long battle with illness. My father in law lived overseas and my husband could not get back in time to say his goodbyes. Not long before I was due, my Pop experienced an aneurysm that took him from us without notice.

With all of these passings, our goodbyes were taken away from us, there were no warnings, we had to say goodbye as we laid them to rest, we had to live with regret for not getting the opportunity to say one more I love you.

Three months after my son was born, we were faced with death again when my second grandfather lost his battle with dementia. Our goodbyes to him came long before his passing, they were said after each brief recollection of who we were, after visit we thought we would be our last. Despite having the warning and time to say goodbye, it did not make the words come any easier or take away the hurt.

Today as I sat there beside my grandmother, holding her hand for the last time, I was left with only the words that came into my heart. I told her how I was proud of her and how strong she has fought, I told her that I loved her and will always cherish the memories I have growing up beside her, I told her that I would take care of pop until he was ready to join her once again, I told her that it was okay for her to go.

Why do we leave our feelings unsaid, why do we wait until the last moment to speak our truth? We have hours upon hours in each and every day and yet we fill them with the hustle of work and waste them living through others highlight reels on social media. Today has taught me, and it’s something I should have learnt sooner, do not wait until that final goodbye! Treat every conversation like it might be your last, don’t leave word’s unspoken, hug a little longer, say I love you when you mean it!

Make memories while you can, love with your heart and soul, so that in the end, goodbye is not final, your love will keep them alive within you!

Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for love who love with their heart and soul, there is no separation.

Rumi

Today was hard…

Until next time…

I’ll be out there….

Finding my Hummingbird