The time finally came for our heart to heart, we managed to get a child free night with no work or social commitments… a night to commit only to each other’s questions and feelings.

Neither of us knew where to start so I went straight back to the question where it all began. “What wrong? Do you even want to be here?”, that was the question he had asked me and I had answered so quickly and without time to think through my my response that I never asked him what led him to even ask me that. We had up until that point had a seemingly good weekend. He told me that I was detached, that I was too often looking off into another world, I was watching Instagram videos rather than being present, and then he said the words that truly fed his question whether he even knew it or not.. My priorities didn’t make sense.

I tried not to react, again I’m quick to defender, fight or flight so to speak. I carefully processed his opinions and tried to tackle them one by one.

I’m detached and looking into another world– could it be that I’m actually too attached I’m burnt out and that is displayed as my detachment? I certainly don’t feel detached, I feel connected to every minute of every person inside this house, every “mummy” and “hey Hun”, I’m attached to the to do lists and emotional roller coasters of the kids, I’m attached the image of the mother and wife society expects. My only words to explain this to him was to say; “I’m sorry if I appear to be detached and staring off into another world, sometimes I am so engrossed in the mental checklists and my own thoughts that my physical being detaches from my mental state, like I can’t be both present and in my head all at once”.

Instagram versus being present – my husband hates social media so this one wasn’t a surprise and I know retrospectively I should have explained that I use social media to unwind, to escape the black clouds in my mind, to turn off the noises and voices reminding me of what I have and haven’t done. Instead, I said: “you can hardly talk, I flick through social media but you can’t seem to go a minute without checking if any new work emails have come through or texting one of the guys from work, I hardly think having my phone out is a problem but I’ll work on it if it’s that bothering to you”. I told you, my go to is defensive.

My priorities don’t make sense – now this point was the kicker for me! I knew it was where his “resentment and frustration” truly lied, I knew it was fuelled by the same focal point as most of our arguments… he was no longer my number 1 priority! My priority first and foremost is our kids well-being, that is reflected in my dropping everything if they are in need, it’s why I insist on structure in amongst the chaos, and why I strive for perfection. I asked him to explain how my priorities differed from his, how do they not make sense? He explained that I focus too much on the small stuff like housework and pandering to the kids, that instead of prioritising our relationship I’m too busy cleaning. I was reading between the lines at this point, I was not focusing on him and his needs! I was not showing him love in the ways he expected. For this I had no response, no defence just silence. He wasn’t wrong, but he wasn’t right either. My priorities were as he described but I think he forgets that I am a mum now not just his wife.

I tried hard to explain my standpoint, to address his concerns with respect and not dismissal, we went around in circles for awhile, voices went up and down and finally the tears came! I could see his love and exhaustion written all over the look of concern now taking over from the frustration, I could only hope he saw mine. “I’m tired”, were the only words I could manage, tired of it all, the fighting, the expectations, the juggle of motherhood, wife, employee and manager. I’m tired of trying to please, be better, do more, give more. I’m tired of waking up not knowing which clouds will enter my thoughts and cast shadows over my day.

I told him that sometimes the noise is just too much, sometimes there are clouds that smother me. I told him that sometimes I scream, cry or get angry because I’m in fight or flight. I told him that I love him but sometimes I don’t like him. I told him that sometimes I let the noise win, I turn off from the world around me and let the clouds envelop me.

Sometimes despite our best efforts words just cannot convey the desired meaning. My words will never be able to explain my thoughts, my fears, my anxieties… how can you explain something in which you can’t even understand yourself? How can you begin to describe all of this to someone who doesn’t understand… how do you move forward knowing that they’ll never truly understand you?

I don’t know the answers but I’ll be looking for them and until then we will continue to dance around this subject with trepidation.

Until then…

I’ll be out there….

Finding my hummingbird